What if “ Playing Big” is Playing Cards?

My son needs me. A lot. More than I think I ever realized. Like most children, our time with him has been up and down. His emotions are still quite big. We ask, Is this normal? I don’t even know how to define that anymore.

And then, the truth comes out. It’s always been like this, yelling and screaming before going anywhere. A release of fear. Anxiety. In his little body.

And so now, he needs me. To be here, to have space and presence with him. To take the time to take him in nature. To lay and snuggle and feel deeply supported. I am his person these days, his anchor.

We are developing skills to help him and as we start to switch his school and get him mental health support, I realize that my role of playing big is to just sit here with him.

At times, this just feels so hard for me. I want to be out with people and learning and teaching and sharing. I want to be writing and moving and doing AND YET, Playing Big is staying home. Showing up. Building that solid foundation for him to Thrive. This is a privilege, this is my work, this is an honor to crave out the space to be with him and yet, I still get restless. I want more! The pitta/ ego always searching for more.

My practice is to sit here, often in silence with him. Often just being together. That’s what he needs after a long/ full day at school with too many kids and too much noise.

And so the path of the mother is one of questions and unknowns. Will this make a difference in his life, at all ? Does this matter? And as I continue to do my version of “ Playing BIG” by staying home more and. by working less, by laying around more, and achieving less -I bow to the challenge of this stage while sweet and quiet it’s not the easy road for me.