Our bathroom always smells like pee.
2am. 6am. Noon. Does not matter. It always smells. I spend the majority of my day trying to get rid of this smell. Mind you, I work from home, so this is a lot of time spent thinking about this smell. To be honest, it’s become a bit obsessive, like something I can’t ever not be focusing on. I have tried all the things. Oils and cleansers and all the things.
It still smells.
My elderly dog never wants to walk. He won’t walk if it’s windy. Or rainy. or snowy or cloudy. He puts his butt down and he won’t budge. He is stubborn and strong. And then at least once a week, he only wants to go out and walk. I take him out and he does not want to go back in. We may get about half way around the block and then when I need to go back to jump on a phone call or get the kettle off the stove, he won’t go home. He has done his buisness and he still won’t go in. He only wants to walk away from the house. In any and all directions.
And then there is the construction and landscaping. I live on a block where 4 houses have been built over the past 4 years. It is non stop banging. It makes him anxious. He barks and barks and barks. And the landscaping. Like today, someone came to cut our grass like they do every Friday, and this sent him into a tizzy. A faster paced barking than his normal pace- instead of bark ( pause) bark ( pause) it becomes bark-bark-bark-bark for 30 minutes.
My Grandmother’s memory is going and we have the same conversation over and over each week. Every week. Sometimes every day. I will be excited to share something with her and call her and for a moment she will respond and then she will forget. And I forget that she will forget. I miss my Grandmother. I get annoyed about having the same conversation over and over. But it’s just how it is. I watch myself get annoyed. We talk in circles. We get off the phone and I talk to her again. Rinse. Repeat.
For 20+ years I had something that made my feel safe. I had a foundation that I thought would never crumble. I built a good part of my life on this foundation, at every turn, at every season. Sometimes the foundation cracked, but we were always able to get it fixed. Always. And then one day there was a big flood, and it totally wiped out the entire foundation. The entire thing, in one swoop. And it was gone. No more.
On my knees, I look at the dirt. Is there anything left? Did that thing that I thought was so strong and invincible really just totally fall apart, wash out, vanish? Was that even real ? I wander for a bit, darting back and forth between the past and the present. And I learned ( am learning) how to rebuild. This time it will be different. I’m not going to rely on that foundation so much, I’m going to find lots of other ways to feel strong and stable, inside and outside. With people and on my own. Both. At once.