On The Bathroom Floor
13 years ago, I was lying on the bathroom floor hysterically crying.
I think MOST women have some kind of moment similar to this at one point in their life.
Today is my wedding anniversary.
So, yes the crying episode was the night before my wedding and I have never felt more alone than I did in that moment.
Why am I sharing this with you?
B/c on the eve of my commitment, I was full of doubt and fear and overwhelming emotions triggered by alcohol, family dynamics, and exhaustion.
And yes, we are still married.
That girl who was lying on the floor eventually became the woman who opened and closed a yoga studio, opened a school for boys, birthed 2 kiddos, went to hours and hours of therapy to work on the relationship in the marriage and who writes this today from a 20 + year relationship.
The girl who fell apart the night before was so so so scared of the beauty and love and support and the idyllic setting that she did not feel she deserved. She is me.
This girl, who had lived on spam and spaghettios was marrying the man of her dreams.
This girl, who had been diagnosed with an “ incurable “ disease, was healing herself everyday with yoga.
This girl, who never pictured herself married, was about to walk down the aisle with a really stable, gentle and consistent man.
So can dreams comes true? Are there really fairytale endings?
Here’s what I know now as a 40- something year old woman.
Our relationship takes a lot of energy to be in a good place, it gets hot and uncomfortable REAL fast when I’m exhausted or over extended or have not done any spiritual practices. I have a lot of fire ( pitta) so I can go from 0–60 in no time at all and be really mean and literally not even remember what I was saying right after.
Learning about the 5 elements and the 3 doshas which are the basics for the system of Ayurveda has given me tools and practices that I use EVERY DAY in our marriage and in our home to work in and with my relationships rather than numbing, leaving, or fighting. ( Fight, flight or freeze)
It’s not about finding a “ Prince Charming” it’s more like, how I can give you ( and me!) love and compassion in this moment even when my fire is stoked? How can we work together to notice and communicate our values and priorities in this season as a family, as a team?
What tools do I have RIGHT Now to help me move through this feeling. This pain. This fear. What is underneath this?
If there is no one coming to save me or heal me, how can I take personal responsibility in my relationships AND MY LIFE to show up, to tell the truth, to say I’m SORRY , to love you so much that I want to know more about how I operate so that I can see how you operate so we can do this life thing, together?
Thank you ENNEAGRAM!!!
So on this Anniversary of my MARRIAGE I just want to stay open to the work, the conversations, and most importantly THE QUESTIONS.
Here’s a toast ( raise your water bottle!) To being honest and open about WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. Not to rehash or to dwell on and complain about- BUT TO SET FREE OUR EMOTIONS! TO SET FREE WHat’s actually possible for us, with some intention and attention. To be real about what fears we ALL have and to break down barriers so that we can see how similar we can be.