My boy.

When he was born, he was very odd looking. His head stuck in the birth canal for a while, which SUCKED. When he came out, he had a cone head. He was otherwise healthy and otherwise ready to be here, living.

We were not sure that would be the case, as I had a pretty up and down pregnancy with him, and my midwife had told me “ get your house in order” just in case. Which translated to: be prepared to have a premie, a stillborn or a child with physical or mental differences. Just be ready for anything.

But, when he was born on July 6, 2011 at 1:00am, 8.5 pounds, cone shaped head, squishy face and very long finger nails, I exhaled. My whole body relaxed. He’s here. He’s crying. He’s hungry. He’s here. I had never felt better.

For the past 8 years, Milo has been a child of sensitivities. He would not potty train, he had asthma and lyme, he never ate baby food, he never wore socks and barely shoes, nothing with a button and has done everything, always on his own time, and still does.

So many belly aches, fevers, nebulizers, hospital visits.

Milo has come to this world, to our family, to help us learn and grow our patience. He teaches us everyday. He has a strong inner critic, a tendency to look at the world through a negative lens, where everything is the worst. And sometimes, it’s not pretty. He yells. He screams. He gets frustrated and then he melts. He falls in. He reaches for us. He wants comfort. We have a roller coaster of emotions over here most days, the rest of us learning how to work with him, how to help him, how to be quiet, how to be with him.

He can be mean and angry and frustrating.

He can be loving and sensitive and so sweet.

Life, even with a mom who studies, teaches and practices relaxation techniques and stress management tools with the world, is full of anxiety for some little ones. And well, to be honest big peeps too!

I like to write about my kiddos around their birthdays, taking time to think back over our years together. And this year, I just took some space to breathe.

What do I want to say about Milo?

What is it like to get to know him better and to parent him? It’s so different than Saylor, of course.

This past year, I really turned my attention towards his social — emotional needs, we got him tested for a variety of possibilities ( phsyical, cognitive, psycholgical and emotional) just to get to know him better. I cleared my calendar on the weekends and afternoons so that I could be with him and help his nervous system settle a bit. Have time for rest and digest.

On the floor, playing quietly, in the woods, making sure we have plenty of time for nature.

On one hand, it’s really special to be with him on the floor, with space and time and presence. On the other hand, I find myself wanting to write, to work, to DO something other than BE with him, ALL THE TIME. It’s not really all the time, just feels that way sometimes.

For me, parenting has this unique quality of “ I want to be here for my kids and raise them and hold them and comfort them.” AND “ I want to be in THE WORLD! I want to be helping, serving, teaching, writing, moving.”

NOT NOW, P.

So my “not now” journal fills, I take my energy and attention to my heart, I warm my palms so I can use them for healing, THIS HOME, in this moment, this child.

My boy. I commit to you. I won’t run away because it’s not easy. I will stay with you here, on this level, in this realm, open and learning and deeply devoted to my own integration and health so that you can have presence and compassion, love and support as you navigate your own inner life.

My boy. I commit to you, not only when it’s easy and you are snuggling and reading and I’m in love with the sweetness, but when your hot and red and screaming and angry. When you can’t work with what arises, I’m here.

My boy. Together we navigate this life thing, where I can learn from you how to really practice, how to be with the full range of emotions, how to stay awake- it’s easy to love peace, it’s harder to love rage. But by allowing and accepting YOU, all of YOU, I can allow and accept all of me, too.

May you be happy.

May you be safe.

May you be healthy.

May you live with ease.