Lonely

I was recently teaching a weekend retreat in the woods in Maryland with an incredible group of 20 women, the theme was NOURISH YOUR YEAR.

Some women were married with kids.

Some were single.

Some were in long relationships that they wanted to end.

Some were divorced.

Some were married, no kids.

One comment towards the end of our time together really struck me. This beautiful 30ish single participant said something like “ I have my own apartment and go to sleep alone every night.”

A bunch of us with kids and husbands who snore, started laughing with dreamy eyes and said, “ that sounds dreamy. Alone. Peace. Sleep. Quiet.”

Her face kind of fell, “ I know it sounds romantic” she responded “ to have my own apartment and live by myself in my own space but I go to bed every night alone, and it’s lonely.”

There was silence. I think this brought up so much in our lives, our own stories, our own realities that no one really responded. It was quiet.

Later, on the drive home, I realized what the silence was. I realized that for many of us in relationships, EVEN though we DO have someone to share a bed with, we too, feel so alone. I think those of us who thought that marriage or partnerships would solve or heal or fix that feeling of being lonely, the truth is for many of us, it hasn’t. We still feel alone, lost, unseen, unheard.

I remembered my own journey towards self- love and healing that started with becoming my own best friend and companion. I realized about 10 years into my relationshp that it was truly going to be up to me to never feel alone with myself, or lonely. That no man, woman or child was going to fill this void that ached in my soul.

My relentless study for contentment in daily life led me to explore a whole number of practices that OVER TIME gave me the biggest gift of my life, a deep, powerful, trusting relationship and love for myself.

Here are some practices that might help you in your own discovery towards the quest of lifelong companionship and the release of lonley.

1. The truth is, we are all alone. We come into the world as a magical being with our first breath, and we will leave this earth with our last breath, on our own. In our thoughts, our actions, our minds, our bodies we truly only have our own being. We can love our kids, friends, parents, spouses and we can not live their lives or breathe their bodies. Sit, meditate, contemplate journal on this truth. Feeling of sadness or loss may occur. Let them in. Hold them tight. Be with the reality of what it means to be human. Spend time with this truth and see how maybe over time, it loosens the grip on the idea that a marriage or a relationship will fix your lonleiness. Invite and embrace loneliness as a part of life.
2. Spend a lot of time dating yourself. Plan a weekly or monthly date alone to your favorite restaurant, movie, adventure. Travel alone, laugh alone, feel into your own thoughts, feelings, emotions and joy in fun spaces and activities. I started taking Wednesdays off from seeing clients so that I could have an entire school day alone with myself. A day to jump on the bus or metro and go to a museum or a coffee shop, to write or to play or to walk and walk and walk. All things that I truly love about life and that bring me joy, some of the reasons I work for myself. I think this time set aside regularly helps me connect with my guides, my intuition and just like if you were dating someone new, when you date yourself, you spend time enjoying your own company, regularly. What you put your energy into it can grow and thrive and deepen. If we only look outward to heal our loneliness, we might find more loneliness! If we look to someone else to love us, we might miss the oppurtinity to love ourselves. If we search outward, to find the joy inward, we might spend a lifestime seeking, reaching, grasping and spinning in circles. Freedom and contentment in this life come from a deep, nourishing, connection to self. Can you feel at peace with this moment, as it is. Can you fall in love with yourself in this season, in this day, in this moment?
3. And lastly, do what you can to enjoy your life. We know that we attract love and connection when we feel abundant with love and connection. Whenever I feel deeply lonely, I make a list of all the people and places I feel connected to. I meditate on or journal about all the love I already have. When I feel lost and lonely in a relationshp or my life, I look up and around at all I do have. I call an old friend who lifts my spirit or I write a letter to a loved one that I appreciate. This simple practice can fill your soul with connection, love and appreciation which feels so good.

I’m not saying that being human is always easy, I am saying that with a little perspective, shift of heart and practice, we can find a powerful connection to source and abundance right here, right now.

At the end of your day, like the end of your life, you are the one you can count on. You are the one you can love and comfort. You are the divine gift in this world and to be at peace with the stillness of your breath and your heartbeat, that is the ultimate relationship.