Keeping Joy At A Distance

After many years of working with women at all stages of life, I realized that many of them were keeping joy over there in the corner. It was something they said they wanted, and something that they used to have but in the chaos or daily life had left behind, put in the corner and left to collect dust.

What happens to us as we get older and in a pattern of putting everyone else first, ALL THE TIME- is that we forget to tap in DAILY to our true nature which is a beautiful combination of love and play and joy and peace and harmony.

In Tibetan Buddhism we talk about “ basic goodness” that everyone has and we accept and live by the principle that we all have this innate buddha nature within us. That is, if we prioritize it, become skillful with our energy, our time and our life.

Honestly, I believe that most people are just being set up to constantly respond to other’s needs first, to clear out the email inbox, and to delay joy.

I also find that there are not usually a lot of middle aged women in the room who are playing and laughing and smiling and living joyfully. I live in Washington, DC so there’s a way better chance that the energy will be tense, competitive and that people are not necessarily digging into the depths of their souls to connect with you on the playground.

There’s a lot more chit chat about stress, career, children’s accomplishments and the culture of being busy than there is deep meaningful conversations about what creative passions people are pursuing, what music or art is currently bringing them joy or what they love about

How to start cultivating a joy practice?

I think you have to get really clear about how you DO spend your time and where are your go- to issues/ habits/ patterns of numbing out and or keeping busy. I think MANY MANY MANY of us are actually in a regular state of flight/ fight or freeze and that has contributed to a disconnect from our sense of pleasure and joy.

I will only speak for my own experience of healing trauma, which takes longer than I think it will and has many more layers than I ever thought before. Every time I think I’m through something, one of the core wounds open in a new way, sometimes more painful, sometimes more beautiful. Always interesting.

I have been operating at such a high level of responsibility and productivity for so long, but now I long for more integration over more- more -more. I know this longing and questioning is normal for this “ spiritual awakening” time of life, that is after 40 for most wisdom traditions. I feel developmentally normal in this quest.

The past few years I have started to be more curious about this-and ask myself what does bring me joy beyond kids and work? What else do I want to do in this lifetime or experience or just feel in the body. What will I do with my life and time when the kids are out of the home? Would I change anything?

Exploring these questions of inner alignment have been so helpful to finding little gems for life, NOW. For example, yes, I like to travel alone and with family but it’s not always possible. SO, I find ways to have adventures on my own in the DC area when I’m not working or mothering.

How can I bring the feelings I want to bring into my real life, right here, rather than searching for answers in Europe or The Caribbean.

Traveling alone connects to me to my desires, strength, and intution. It’s also the practice I started using to deepen and strengthen the relationship with myself. In years past, I realized I did not treat myself the way I treated my beloved friends and family, so I started dating myself. I had to get to know her. I had to ask her questions, I had to spend time with her.

Many of you know I also use the energies of the Doshas to describe my way of looking at life. Vata, in it’s healthiest form is all about creativity, intuition, flexibility and connection to something bigger. So I love to use these adventure days as ways to practice all of these qualities.

So much of modern life is prescribed, do this and then this and then this and maybe this will be the outcome. But these little adventure days are times when I get to JUST BE. no agenda, no one else to take care, I get to just follow my own guidance system. I try not to plan to much ahead of time- just where I feel guided in that moment. Sometimes it brings out really amazing insights and sometimes I feel frustrated. Regardless of the outcome, there’s a commitment to showing up, even when it’s not awesome.

I’ve noticed this little, totally do-able practice of exploring on my own has really calmed my anxiety that used to feel so trapped in this domestic grind. And the rut of day to day: wake, work, dinner, kids, sleep.

I had a teacher/healer who said “ it’s time for you to get out of the box!” And even though it’s not moving to Boulder, traveling for 6 months or anything on a HUGE scale, I notice that the little little has been such a gift to my own joy.

So, WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY? And HOW does it live in your life?