Free Dance

Learning to let go

When I was in college, I spent a semester at Tel Aviv University.

I met a girl.

We fell in love.

Not romantic love but friend love. We told stories, stayed up late and we laughed and laughed.

We became roommates and fell into a beautiful routine of studying Hebrew, eating the Atkins diet ( we heard from our friends in America, that’s how everyone was losing weight), and smoking cigs all night, often drinking a variety of delicious beverages.

We were both homesick-ish b/c we had our boyfriends in the States. So while we loved to go out and party at the Dance Clubs, we also loved to stay in our little room that we had created and just be togehter.

One of the interesting things about my beloved, Tami, is that she was a dancer.

She told me about her love for Modern Dance and I did not understand it.

I was very critical, judgmental and rude about her dances and her art.

I liked to make fun of her for it, regularly.

I did not understand it.

To me, dance was when I was told I was too fat for ballet and they moved me to Jazz. I did not like Jazz.

Or dancing was what I did when I drank so much that I felt so happy and I grinded and moved with all the people on the dance floor. I loved this kind of dancing, I felt so free. I felt alive. The next day, I felt hungover.

Eventually, I left Israel and visited Tami at her home in NY. She showed me old dance vidoes. I think I laughed. I was so snarky about the whole thing.

Too immature, too closed off, too scared to even think that someone could express themselves so boldy using their body and being sober.

Wasn’t she scared that she looked silly? or not cool? or that people would make fun of her? She had a confidence that I did not.

I did not realize that I was so critical and harsh until I could my thoughts about her dance form. The truth is, it was a mirror of all the things I was saying to myself. All the ways I was trying to keep it together and be strong and not “ look stupid.”

The truth is her freedom of expression triggered my own closed and guarded heart. My armor, my pain. My soul wanted to be free, like Tami. But I couldn’t. I was scared of what might happened if I ever opened up like that.

Tami and I stayed in touch and spent many nights dancing together at clubs in our 20’s.

When I was pregnant with Milo, my beloved friend flew to my “ Blessingway Shower” that I held at LIL OMM and with a huge smile and heart and love- she gave me a gift of interpretive dance in honor of Milo. It was incredible.

At this point, I was more open, free, evolved, mature in my own movement practices. I had grown up. No longer judging her for the freedom but cheering her on for the beautiful movement.

Feeling love and gratitude for what she gifted me.

HEART WIDE OPEN.

The past few years, I have lost much of the structure of yoga shapes and forms when I teach or practice. Now I just move. Free. Open. Alive. I can feel my heart beat radiating energy and love, FREE DANCE. FREE SOUL. FREEDOM.

Just like Tami.