2 Layers of Support
I recently attended a workshop that was about the connections in the portals of death and birth. The speaker ( also a midwife ) shared with us that we all need 2 layers of support when we are caring for someone or being cared for.
She was talking about it in the context of birth and death but I began to see this come alive in other fields/relations/situations as well.
Let me explain- when a woman is giving birth, someone is supporting her ( partner, doula, friend) AND someone should be supporting them, supporting her. So imagine a woman giving birth, leaning back into someone and the someone she is leaning back into is leaning on someone else for stability as well. 2 layers.
When someone comes into the field who can find stability, it can help regulate the others involved. Since energy is contagious and emotions are energy in motion- we can see this play out in our lives- when someone comes into our field, dis-regulated, we can get caught up in it as well (fast paced, nervous, fearfull, anxious, etc) OR we can orient towards regulation and stability slower pace, wider lens, deep breaths in the whole body). I think it’s amazing that we have the ability to choose this and wish I had known this a lot earlier in my life!
( there’s so much more to say on this but this is just a tiny, simplified version)
Now, let’s put it in the death context. There is the dying person and the person attending to the dying person ( partner, friend, death doula) and THEN there is the additional layer of support needed to care for the care-giver. So again, I imagine the dying person holding the hand of the care- giver and then added layer of the care-giver holding the hand of someone perhaps beyond that space/time/room but still there, holding them, supporting them.
This is an example of how co-regulation works in our world, in our lives and a way in which we can start to do more RECEIVING. Many, Many, Many of us are trained ( society, family, extractive work, etc) to be awesome at giving and not so awesome at receiving.
I believe this is a time for reciprocity, regenerative practices and turning towards each other. The times of “ I can do it all by myself” are over and don’t work. This mentality of“ I’ll do it myself, carry the whole load, etc” creates isolation, dis-regulated nervous systems, dis-ease of mind/ body/spirit and inflated sense of egoic self- not to mention we are literally wired as social animals who NEED EACH OTHER.
A few days after this training I was STILL thinking about this 2 layers of support and began just tracking and naming the layers in my own life, when I am supporting someone- do I let myself also be supported? And how do I communicate that to my people? Am I able to say what I need? Am I able to reach out and let someone hold my hand, while I am holding another?
This is a practice I have been working with for years now, and finally in the past few years, I can see myself asking for support, receiving support when offered and opening to the “leaning back” or letting someone hold my hand.
I will not pretend that this has been comfortable — I have found myself wanting to flee when someone comes in close, I have found waves of discomfort and armoring up when the offer comes in. And somehow, very, very slowly- I have been able to relax into those waves, and say “ yes, please. thank you.”
This led me to add in an extra layer of REAL LIFE STUFF which is that people are BUSY and lives are FULL and not everyone has nervous system repair training or compassionate care practices nor do they have any idea what to say when someone is suffering. I notice that some folx try to fix or problem solve, totally reasonable and usually not that helpful to our nervous sytem which needs stability and regulation. Often times we may just need someone sitting beside us in the pain or the difficulty, not fixing anything just allowing us to feel this wide range of emotions that arise.
The long list of trainings/books/courses/programs I have participated in have led me to undo some patterns in my own system and grow into someone who can regulate & respond rather than always react. That’s HUGE for me, since I operated in hyper states for so much of my life.
So back to the 2 layers of support - if so many people are NOT able to see what kind of support is needed because of all sorts of reasons nor have the capacity ( emotional, physical, etc) to be a 2nd layer- what can WE Do about that now that we know 2 layers of support are strong, essential and vital to our own well-being?
So, I started playing with the idea of calling in other layers of support beyond the human realm.. I practiced with the tree outside of my window and the one at the end of the block, I practiced laying on the floor, on my belly and asking earth herself to be my layer of support ( as I am supporting others) and this week with the full moon rising, I have been letting her fill me up. Standing with my back to her and letting her illuminate the back of my heart chakra, giving me a bit of power to tune into from the back body. Letting myself lean back a bit into her glow.
Beyond these elements ( trees, earth, moon) I also remembered to call in my wise and well ancestors to surround me with love and care. I called in any available spirit guide/angel support that could offer me comfort, wholeness and healing. These practices just took a few minutes of closing my eyes and allowing myself to feel the energetic supports fill in. My toes began to wiggle, warmth through my whole body and a big exhale, deep breaths flowed through… ahhhh. There I am. There WE are.
Here’s what I want you to know/ try on/ experiment with:
We need 2 layers of support in our lives, in various situations that arise.
Where might we find those layers?
In humans around us? FYI- Paid professionals can be part of this team!
AND might we find/ have access to other layers of support that are not so obvious, the elements, the moon/ the sun, the ancestors, the spirit guides, our angels or source connections?
May we be blessed with support.
May we be blessed with receiving.
May we be blessed with awareness.
May we allow waves of emotions to flow through our form with trust-
May we find strength and support as we lean back into the great love, the great mystery.
May we walk together on this path of the unknown-
May we find stability and steadiness, in this moment.
